Aspire

I was at the airport seeing off my mother and father in law. While my husband went inside to get them checked in, I sat in the car with my driver accompanying me. I was sitting with my 5 month old daughter when my driver offered to take her and then asked me to go to one of the ticketing counters and ask for the Mumbai Lucknow flight fare.
He asked me if buying an air ticket required any document or proof.
I said no, they ask nothing as long as you pay by cash.

My driver has a monthly pay of Rs 4500 per month and he has a family of 5 children along with his mother and brothers. On top of it, he is always short of money,keeps asking his salary in advance. Last month he shifted his mobile billing to postpaid from prepaid. He said he wants to travel to his in laws for show off and to put them in awe of him!

I was trying to understand what went on in his head. He had such high hopes, and I am not sure he had the means to fulfill it. Is it right to aspire beyond one's means?
What right do I have, to think that he should not dream big?

The other day I read about Mukesh Ambani's house "Antilia." and that the power bill of his house, last month was about Rs 70 lakhs! He has three helipads!  He lives with his  wife and 3 kids. What a life! Does he aspire for more?
I kept thinking of my driver and Ambani...vast difference!

picture from here

Tryst with writing.

I thought I loved numbers, I still do, I love(d) accounts passionately. I love the stock markets. But, behind all those numbers, I found there are a lot of emotions running around and I started digging deeper...

Last year I lost some money in the stock markets. I was sad and became a philosopher first and then since I had time I joined a MLM business. This work kept me occupied for quite some months and then there was a competition announced. An article of a 1000 words or less was to be submitted titled "Why Klink?" I thought let me give it a try and along with time pass, I might get a consolation prize as well.
I wrote the article, finished it, a friend reviewed it and said it was ok. After some months, when I had almost lost all hopes of getting any prize, I received an envelope with a letter announcing first prize in the competition. I was richer by 5000 bucks. I was thrilled, ecstatic, actually no words can describe what I felt.. blissfully elated!!

Anyways, this is how I discovered my flair for writing. I was called a storyteller by many, meaning when in a group, I usually did the most talking, and I could talk to a small child or an old person with equal ease. An uncle of mine casually suggested that I write.. Now being a story teller and writer is vastly different, because writing needs assimilation of facts in proper order and has to have more details, in order to facilitate clear imagination. Talking is relatively easier, though an art in itself, but it can take help of signs and show emotions in voice easily. Writing has helped me become more sharp, focussed and detail oriented.
It is quite exhilarating, my abundant energy is consumed and I cant seem to stop writing.. All I want to do now is write write and write!

Oops! Am I writing or typing? :) :P
I am wondering now..
Imagine all writers would now be called typists or typers .. kidding.

picture from here

Learning License Driving

I was always challenged by people who said, " this is a boy thing and a girl should not or may not do it."
To my mind, this was wrong! I admit men in general are much superior and stronger and more capable, but why restrict a girl , only because she is a girl! Atrocious
Being independent for myself was always important to me.

In those days and especially within my conservative community, a girl driving was a beeg thing, and a bad red mark on her future marriage prospects! But, this never deterred me, I already thought I was ugly enough never to be wanted as a bride in any good house ( read here to know what I thought).

I was a born rebel and anything with a lock intrigued me, my hands itched to see what was inside. Learning to drive when I was 16 was a NO NO and that made me pursue it. Most girls were allowed to learn driving after marriage with the consent of her in laws and husband.

I used to stealthily take the car key of the Maruti 800 that we had at that time in late afternoon when everybody was sleeping and inside their houses, go down and get into the car parked on the sidewalk, switch on the ignition and reverse the gear, drive back and forth on a space of about 10 meters, practicing on the sidewalk and not venturing on the road in the beginning. In this way, I could drive backward and forward with the same ease.

For steering wheel practice, I used to handle the steering when my old driver saheb drove me to school, while he handled the gear and brakes and he took control of the steering when when I faltered or when there was traffic.
If I had gone to a driving school like most girls, I would have learned in lesser time and got a real driving license too, but maybe not as well as I drive now. Yes, I do have a driving license but it states a false date of birth, I was still underage when I started driving on the roads.

My mummy told me much later that papa used to get angry when he found this out and always threatened to hide the key, but he never did, nor did he ever show his anger to me. It was fun to learn like this and I drive very well even now. This opened the door for my sister who learned without much restrictions. My papa is only too glad that we learned it for free and when we sisters got married he made mummy learn driving and then fired the new driver for good.

Now, most girls in our community have a driving license before their marriage and it is as much prerequisite as a school degree!

Picture from here

Why not joint families?

Today I went out and met a cousin after a long time. Her mother in law recently expired and she was saying that the environment of the house isnt the same anymore. Another cousin asked, "why? the brothers should get more close now that their mother isnt there anymore," but she said that wasnt the case and that they were more aloof and self oriented now.

I thought and voiced aloud that this might be happening because men spend more time with their wives and kids nowadays, maybe more than they should.. giving ample time for the wives to fill their ears with poison and cause aloofness in the house amongst blood relations...This has caused so many joint families to split and become nuclear now..There are other reasons too.. tolerance and patience are no longer there.. EGO is a BEEG and very hungry too!!

I was born in a joint family, being the first born of a first born, gave me a lot of time to spend with my uncles and aunt, and they all loved me, I like to think that they still do..It was so nice being together, everything shared, the house full of people, not a moment to get lonely or bored.. what a life! I thought I had the best joint family in the world.

"a picture of a beeg joint family at a wedding" Do we stand together only for the camera now?

One fine day it was all over, just like the stock market crash.. I still remember, I was in class 9 and I was appalled and grief stricken. This affected me a great deal, my ranks dropped, I became lazy and sloppy.
What happened really and WHY? I kept thinking how stupid it was to live separately! How uneconomical too! What purpose did it serve really? I live in a joint family, and I had vowed in the beginning of my marriage that I would never be a cause for it to disseminate..Of course there are conflicts and discomforts and less freedom, but if we make a list of advantages and disadvantages.. clearly joint families have always outnumbered disadvantages..well, this is my belief.. Whats yours?

Taught by a tooth!

My papa always emphasized on the importance of health and especially for each tooth (since I was a huge chocolate addict) that we have.
Being quite materialistic in life, I was in love with solitaires, not the game but the diamond with the 4 C's (cut, clarity, colour and carat). He told me time and again, that I had 32 diamonds in my mouth and I should be very happy I had them.
I used to think, everybody has it, so whats the big deal and that papa is just being a miser, because he wont buy me one, though he did eventually buy me one and which I lost subsequently in a train theft, but that is another story..

A couple of years ago, I was having "puchka" a delicacy of kolkata, and suddenly there was a hard thing in my mouth and I thought something had gotten into the puchka's filling, I hurriedly took it out and was aghast to see it was my tooth..one of my molars!

picture courtesy from  here

I went to the dentist, got a false tooth installed by making a bridge over the 2 teeth on the sides, which made me sad to see 2 good teeth being reduced for the sake of the missing tooth. It was then, that I realised the worth of those teeth and that even the biggest of any diamond could not ever replace the natural tooth that I had... I must mention my worst nightmares consists of loosing all my teeth and I wake up sweating and feel them with my tongue and fingers to see if they are still there..!!

What would you rather have? gold, silver or diamonds? or just a tooth?
I wish I had my tooth back....miss it terribly..

normal to C-sections to surrogate

picture from here

I had a baby girl around 5 months back.
I was having this child after a gap of 10 years, my older kids, a girl and a boy are 12 and 10 respectively. My obstetrician was quite apprehensive and told me that a normal delivery was out of question, because I was 30 plus and this baby was coming after a gap of 10 years!All my reports were normal and nothing indicated a high risk pregnancy. So, I fled and went to my parents place, where indeed I delivered normally.
Incidentally, even in that place C-section deliveries was the norm in 9 out of 10 cases.

While in labor, I was surprised to see the room empty, since it was a very big hospital, I had thought there would be other mothers giving me company. I asked the nurse on duty and she said, most women prefer C-sections, so they need not come in the labor ward.
Next morning, I met some mothers near the nursery, and I asked if there was any amongst them who delivered normal. and not a single one replied in the affirmative.. and when I said I had a normal one, they looked at me like I was some alien from some other planet! I too was a bit taken aback to see their reactions!

When I returned home, I told papa about it and he said," its a wonder girls are still carrying their babies in their wombs." This hit me with the idea, that surrogate mothers could become a very lucrative business in days to come.
Not that I wished it to be this way.. but then who am I!
An article which stole my views ..(kidding) surrogacy in India

New cars versus Old cars

look! not divided.. so romantic na?

  When I was small, we had two common models on the road then, and none had divided (bucket) seats in front. Those were the days of the Ambassadors and the Fiats. Although there were some others, and even they didnt have divided front seats. By now you must have understood what difference I am emphasizing on!
It was so romantic without the gear in between, the hero and heroine could snuggle close... ( do you need bucket seats?) I imagined "one day I will" too with my hero.. blush blush. Sadly, Maruti came in the late 80's and with it was introduced the gear between the seats and to this day it is still there ... in between like "kabab mein haddi"

Before I forget, those days most car owners always had drivers or chauffeurs to drive the oh! so romantic without gear in between cars. Ironically, it is self driven more now and least romantic seating arrangement!


There used to be one car per family (not a nuclear family but a joint family). The head of the house, in my case, my grandfather had the first rights to using it and the family (parents, uncles, aunties, cousins) used it with permission. But, the strangest thing is that I never remember there was any conflict or dearth for using it

I don't think we had any kind of music system either.. and we never missed having one.. antakchari was there, cause we never drove alone. I especially remember singing all my nursery rhymes when I was really small.. on the way to anywhere..

Yes, the AC is an added comfort now, but isn't it a warmer planet than it was?

Picture from here

listen

Be glad when nobody listens to you, this way you dont have to listen to anyone either!

fRee

FREE for a FEE

Why do we contradict?

I got a promotional call from Vodafone. They said I had an offer of sending free joke sms for a fee of Rs 10.
This cracked me up.. free with a fee!

Haven't we lived a life saying something and doing something, so now its the new way of marketing too.
Do they really think people to be so naive to actually fall for this, or maybe they do, cause its happening all around. Even the banks sell policies by saying that its for free and then they charge a fee!!

I contradicted myself when I wrote a blog on Why is silence golden? in this blog. I shouldn't have written it, and as per the person who commented, shouldn't have commented on it, had he understood it! confused? Read again. If confused again, keep reading, because even though I said silence is golden, I wont shut up.

More on this later...

college grads convocation...

Thats a dream too..
I went to college for the first few months  (just in case, the marriage got postponed or cancelled, I had better keep continue my studies ;) )... wasnt very memorable though, and why would it be? I was already engaged, my mind and heart wasnt on studies anymore... I had envisaged a fairy tale marriage and the shopping excited me, quite silly of me ...no?

What I didnt realise, was that I would forever miss the golden chance that I had.
Had I been adamant and insisted on completing my studies, nobody could or would have forced me into it.
Now, I miss it so much. I miss school a lot and if I had gone to college it would have just added to all the wonderful memories I already have..

Since I was used to a girls only school, I felt a bit awkward in a co-ed college. I was shy even to go to the canteen. I couldn't understand the teaching methods in the college, no textbooks prescribed..it was difficult to get studying material on my own..it was tough and I got disinterested, not to say the teachers weren't helpful at all.
I remember the first day, I had trouble choosing what to wear? :-? I thought I shouldn't look out of the crowd, lest the raggers picked me up, so NO to flashy (Veronica) type dresses and NO to behanji (Betty) type dresses. I chose a pretty yet plain dress.

Once I was walking back home and a boy came up to me and said that he was my classmate ( I didnt recognize him) and did I mind if he walked alongside me. I was ok with it and we talked as we walked, his house came and he went and I walked on..The next day, I told my friend about it and she asked me who was the boy and I was aghast to find out that I didn't even remember who it was.. So, thats the amount of interest I had at that time..
Bad rotten luck!! One guy tried befriending me and I was so careless I forgot him! Can you beat that?

But, Oh I love the convocation ceremony, and only for that I regret I didn't complete my studies..
It must feel so heavenly wearing that black coat and hat and then throwing the hat up in the air in joy and celebration. I feel exhilarated just by talking about it!! phew!

picture from here

Why do we start living in the face of death!

Recently I saw "Anjaana Anjaani."
It was an ok flick.. just a time pass..
The plot revolved around 2 people who wanted to die because of their personal failures in life.
Both couldnt succeed and they took that as a sign that they needed some more time.. Maybe the time wasnt right to die. So they both decided on a date to die.. That date was a good 20 days away and then they began to LIVE...
Amazing no?

Seen Anand?  How could Rajesh Khanna (Anand) who knew he was dying, LIVE.
By LIVE I mean to live life to the fullest, do what you want. enjoy life thoroughly!
Dont care what the world thinks.. Dont put off things because you have extra days..
Dont we all love putting off most things.. especially those which we always wanted to do?
I have read so many inspirational blogs and write ups urging us to do whatever we want straightaway..
But, who cares a damn, we all like to think we are going to live for like forever!!

Kabir's famous dohas (couplets) say
"Kaal kare so aaj kar, aaj kare so ab.
Pal mein pralaya hogi, bahuri karoge kab?"
meaning the human tendency of being lazy and procrastination and of putting off things for later..
Its like we are so sure of the future but not at all sure of our present.. we say we will do it, thereby establishing of a future which we cannot be sure of at all!!

So, we need the help of our friend that is death.. (maybe its a fiend to many)
But, what if we all knew when we were going to die? the exact date? would it really be too bad?
naah I think it would be better and more so for the procrastinators!! no?

sulking

I have been sulking for the past few days.
Why dont I catch some dreaded disease and die!
This time I dont want to get treated even if I am taken abroad
I dont want treatment
leave me alone...........

A friend from school called, and it was the only cheerful 10 mins (in the whole day) spent talking to her.
We talked about olden days, it was like going back in time.. so much memories
Since her house was nearby, we always met after school, she would come to my place or I would go to hers.
Not a single day passed without us meeting and ganging.
Yes, thats exactly what we did.. just aimlessly loitering around the neighborhood.
She asked me if I was the same? I said same meaning .. what was I like?
She said I was bindaas and pataka!!
I said, I wasnt sure if I was the same anymore, I got some white strands on my hair now and I guess jumping around is also not done anymore...
We resolved to meet soon and catch up on old times and maybe share the present (not a gift at all).

I know I am not being good at all, but I cant pretend, and I have no one to talk to..I dont even wish to talk..to anyone..I am a really horrible girl and I hate myself, my life, everything
Thanks for listening blogger..

i wish i were dead..

and you thought I was very positive?
just because I always smile?
just because I seldom complain?
Just because I show spirit?
I have my ups and downs, but I pretend that I am happy.

I am reminded of the nursery rhyme
"There was a little girl, who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very very good!
But, when she was bad, she was HORRID!
And thats exactly what I am
Right now I am horrid and I cant think of a day I was ever good!

When I was small, I picked up fights very often, stopped talking to my uncles for days, even months..I hated my life, I thought no one loved me and felt so unwanted. Maybe I was just a spoilt and pampered brat!

I'd wish I was never born. I had no control over my birth, have no control over my life and no control on death!
I am a masochist and love to inflict pain on myself..
I have have gone hungry for days and have had sleeping pills, refused any companionship and shut myself up for days!

Does it help? Dont know for sure.. but its my only way out
Keep sulking..

know

but they dont know...they wont know...But I know in my heart..