Monday, August 6, 2012

Arrange it by love only!

Outwardly I am the one modern girl, but when it comes to traditions and customs, I don't dare to challenge them and rebel against them. So when my time came and was going to tie the knot, I very much knew what I had to do. Yes, Arranged marriage was the one for me. I did all the research and all data pointed out that arranged marriages last and not the love marriages which have a high divorce rate.

I don't think the affairs I had were hardly "love", they were mostly infatuation affairs where there was not a single one I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Apart from all this society attaches a stigmatic approach towards love marriages which made me shun love marriages even more.

I was quite a fan of fairy tales and romantic movies where the hero is every girl's dream man. Between friends we would spend the whole day thinking who would that one be? Which alphabet would his name start with? We each would make a list of what we would like in our man. The best alpha male should be tall dark handsome and a typical MB hero.

Alas, The ideal man perhaps didn't exist or I wasn't capable of finding him. And why should I be so bothered when my parents were so eager to shoulder the responsibility of finding him for me. In any case we are still a conservative community where love marriages are far and few in between. I was even more convinced that my parents would know what is best for me and hence I had no qualms for going for the arranged marriage.

Now I got married into a joint family and which was a boon in disguise. I have come to realise that arranged marriage is an integral part of the arranged marriage system. A joint family is also a kind of support like arrange marriage is, where there is not two people who get married to each other, but the families also get married to each other. So, the presence of joint family is a must for arrange marriage to survive.

What happens is, in arranged marriage, the couple are not so interactive with each other. There are so many members in the house and spending time with each one of them does not leave much time or energy to interact with each other. When I would complain to my mom about the lack of time and love I got from my partner, she would explain that, "you are lucky you are in a joint family, because as long as you will stay with his parents and others, he will be more empathetic towards you and love you more, because you take care of his family, rather when you will live alone, then in the absence of a third person, you two will start to fight amongst yourself." She seemed logically correct and so I was quite satisfied with her explanation.

There is another major advantage why I strongly believed in arrange marriages. The guarantee and support of parents for a lifetime. To tell you the truth, this was the major reason I finally succumbed to arranged marriage. So I was sure, if anything would go wrong, my parents were there. If I had opted for love marriage, this option was null and void.

These days however, due to the dwindling practice of joint family system which is the root of the plant called arranged marriages, love marriages may be the one choice to make. The right person may not come early in life because one does not have the maturity to know what or who is right for oneself. So early marriage is out. One may well be in his late twenties or thirties before one does tie the knot, if at all, there is someone who is worth it.

In modern nuclear families, where only the husband and wife live under the same roof, there is bound to be more friction if their mentalities don't match. So nowadays, both should have the same kind of wiring and share the same wave length. This is possible only when both meet and court each other for a longer time and get to know each other completely before deciding to settle together and start a family. So, even if the marriage is arranged by the parents, it is important that YOU should also know what you want and like in your partner. Parents look for the stability and security a man offers, But YOU have to decide if he is the right companion for you, a friend for you or a guide for your entire life.

The responsibility now lies entirely on the couple and not the parents or any other relatives, so now with more freedom to choose for own self, the love should be more mature and responsible. More than love, it should be about practical living. Excess romanticism in the beginning will increase the expectations of each other, which is bad for the long term stability of the relationship. In real life, no one will bring you stars or sing songs in the rain. and those who will, will not do it forever. Don't ask for such things either, as they are not long term requisites in a partner.

Looking at the current and future scenarios, the world has become a smaller place and with so much communication and opportunities, one should be able to find a partner by themselves and opt for love marriages. Love marriages are not a bad option and quite a positive one if YOU know what YOU want!!

As I said, the arrange marriage is just the stem of the plant of which joint family is the root. So, look where you are going before you finally decide on which one is suitable for you!!

check out more at


  1. Hm Yes, One of the most important advantages, I get from here is support from parents.
    I like the title, 'arrange' by 'love' only!
    speaks a lot in itself:)

  2. nice post :) all the best!!

    have a look at this one too when you get time and do promoteit on indiblogger if you like it :)

  3. Well explored article and positive points for an arranged marriage,in a joint family, u sure are lucky to have a joint family support in a city dwelling.

    You have very well pointed out the reason for friction in a love marriage.

    very matured article and thought provoking, thanks Shazia

  4. Very nice article. Appreciated